The Israelites crossed the Sea of Reeds and sang their victory song. They reached the place where they would faithfully commit themselves to all of God’s commandments. In our weekly Torah portion, Yitro (Exodus 18:1-20:23), we find among the Ten Commandments our duty to our parents. In the fifth commandment, we read (Exodus 20:12), “Honor your father and your mother that you may long endure on the land that the Lord your God is assigning you.” They are familiar words, but not as well understood as they could be.
To “honor” in Hebrew (kah-bayd) also means to give weight to, and to consider. “To give weight to” and “to consider” help us orient ourselves to our parents in thoughtful and respectful ways. Honoring our parents can mean choosing thoughtful words to express ourselves to them, and listening respectfully to their wants and needs, even if we can’t satisfy them. The one word that is not part of this commandment (perhaps you noticed) is “love.” Nowhere in Torah are we commanded to love our parents. Isn’t that interesting?
It’s not that we shouldn’t or can’t. But, Torah recognizes that honor and respect from children to their parents should come first. We respect the aged, their wisdom and their advice. We care for our elders and we visit the sick. If we take to heart these duty-bound obligations then love may be the result. Love doesn’t have to come first. Moreover, what if, for some reason, grown children don’t love their parents. I’ve heard plenty of anecdotes from grown children who remember only bitter times with their parents. It may not be the whole story, but it is the way they remember it. For them there is no real love. Sometimes there’s no love at all. What then?
Once, a son told me that he had no feelings, no love for his father, and he was conflicted about attending his funeral. “What should I do?” he asked me. I explained that Judaism only commands us to honor our parents, not to love them. If there’s no love, then it’s part of the sadness that he already feels. But “to honor” his father would mean participating in the obligations of a son at the time of his father’s death. To avoid that obligation could create regret and lack of closure. He thought about it. He went to the funeral. He had no regrets, except for the missed opportunity to reclaim their relationship.
Honor your father and your mother. Be respectful. Be kind. Set aside the expectations of love for another day when it may be more possible. In the meantime, there are many ways to be respectful and kind. Answer the phone. Thank them for their thoughts. Wish them well. Send a birthday card. Send a holiday card. Say thank you. And, if you’re not ready to share your thoughts on personal matters in your home, then tell them respectfully, “Thank you for your interest. It’s a personal matter that I’m not ready to discuss.” And, if they ask again or persist, then repeat yourself. Use an even tone and a respectful demeanor. Will it work? There are no guarantees, but the fifth commandment is the standard by which you can measure your behavior. So, rest assured that you’ve done what you could. You didn’t hurt their feelings or make matters worse. I would say, “Good for you!”
While some lessons get lost in translation, let the fifth commandment about honoring your parents resonate with new meaning. Love is special. I am grateful for the honor and love I share with my parents. I don’t take it for granted. Begin with respect and thoughtfulness as an ethical guide that comes from Torah. Maybe not today, but perhaps tomorrow there will be some love and then some more.
From my family to yours, Shabbat Shalom.
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