In the past week I’ve had the pleasure of meeting with three teenagers in separate meetings. Each of them was a fine young person. They all came to seek some advice from their rabbi. Really. They were looking for tools they needed to navigate their personal lives at home and away from home. These are not easy times for teenagers. They never are.
They thought their concerns were unique to them, but it wasn’t true at all. They all wanted to be taken seriously at home, and they admitted that they were terrible communicators, sometimes. Tell your parents, I said, what you understand to be the family’s goals and how you want to participate. Maybe they include a clean house, a quiet dinner table, and mutual respect, all of which are desirable and reasonable goals. Then take the opportunity to share what your own needs are and how it makes you feel when you feel shut out, and don’t raise your voice. Your parents, I said, need to give you room to succeed and room to fail. You’re not perfect and neither are they. But, give them lots of reasons to trust you by doing what you said you were going to do before they have to remind you. Oh, and chores and responsibilities? Yes, I said, they “suck,” to use their word. Too bad.
All teenagers want to be treated with greater respect as they establish new physical and emotional boundaries. Typically, they want to spend less time at home but they never want to be shut out of their childhood room or the refrigerator. They want to relate more to their friends than their parents, but they need the security of loving and forgiving parents, and their wallets. They’re caught in a cycle that leaves them awkwardly suspended between childhood and adulthood. They’re too old to be kids and too young to be adults. As I said to one of them, “Being an adult takes practice and you’re going to stumble first. Some adults aren’t even very good at being adults.”
Although being a teenager today seems more difficult than when we were their age, I would claim that it’s all relative. They live in this technological and global world much easier than we do. Watch and learn from them. Take an interest in their skills which may be better than yours and thank them for their ingenuity. If they appear to be smarter about things than you, it’s probably because it’s true. So what; put your feelings in perspective and give them leeway to celebrate their individuality. Have you ever seen my sons? They’re bigger and stronger than me and they love football (I think it’s a recessive gene). I applaud their unique qualities and I laugh a lot with them, too. Nevertheless, there are reasonable boundaries teenagers need to live by if they’re going to be safe and healthy adults. They’re suspended between two stages in their life and they need a safety net that only you can provide.
Be tough. Let them blame you when they tell their friends that they have to come home by 11pm or midnight. Let them be angry at you when they disagree with your rules, but stick to them. They want to know where your boundary is. If it’s constantly moving they have no idea where they stand with you or themselves. How will they know if they’re succeeding if they don’t know where the edge is? When they say, “I hate you!” tell them you love them anyway. And, when they tell you what they think of you, tell them that while you’re not perfect you respectfully disagree.
We were all teenagers once. I don’t know anyone who would want to relive their adolescent years. Remember: Don’t make it easier for your teenager; make it better. Take an interest in them but leave them alone; give them what they need and not only what they want; and love them no matter what they throw at you, literally and figuratively.
Feel free to share this message with your teenagers, and let’s plan on talking about this again. God bless all the children and their parents.
From my desk to yours, Shabbat Shalom.
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